A MAN AT 50 IN A 12 YEAR OLD BODY

A 50 YEAR OLD MAN IN A 12 YEAR OLD BODY

HI TO ALL,I have been trying to do this for years to Tell my story before it,s to late,I,m 73 born in Brooklyn N.Y. June 18,1936.
Around when I was 10 or 12 my parent,s noticed that I was not growing the way I should for my age.I had a 2 inch penis , no scrotum, and a child,s voice,so they started to bring me to doctor,s and more doctor,s until they realized that there was no help to be found.My body was very small for my age skinny with no muscles any where.So before my mom would go to work she started a ritual of waking me up and give me 2 raw eggs to suck out of the shell. I had very few friend,s but one who lived near by and about the same age was built just the opposite of me being heavier and with some muscles I asked him what was he doing to get that way he told me he lifts weights and eats peanuts.I asked him if I could lift with him,he said OK.So now I,m eating 2 raw eggs lifting weights and eating peanuts all the time.After a few months I had to stop,I was constipated all the time and my whole body hurt and I didn,t gain a lb.This became very disappointing for me specially when I see other guys in school looking different then me I was about 12 or 14.

Time continues with both parents working saving enough of money to move out of Brooklyn and into South Ozone Park Queens.I was about 14 to 16.We moved into a 2 story solid brick home,with a back yard and garage,it felt like living in the country compared to Brooklyn

As I started High School there was no change in my features as I compared my self to other guys my age.I was 1 year older then the rest because of the move.I was hoping to make friend,s but it was very difficult and scary,I found it was hard to talk to the guys and even more to the girls, so I stayed by my self and I didn,t mind this even though I knew it was wrong.
MY FIRST LOVE

One day there was an Italian feast in Brooklyn where my uncle and grand mother lived.One of the things they did at the beginning was to release pigeons lot,s of them and to my surprise one flew right to me and I caught it.My parents said to let it go but I didn,t.From there we went to visit my uncle,he seen what I had and I told him how I got it.He asked if he could see it,I gave it to him he looked at the band on the foot and said he knew who,s bird it was and he let it fly out the window,I was so mad he asked if I had a pigeon coop I told him no,then asked me what was I going to do with it,I didn,t answer him.At that time he was my favorite uncle and I had a lot,with what happen I put him on the bottom of my list.
The rest of the day I didn,t talk to him,he must have noticed this because he then asked me if I wanted to see his pigeons I said yes and I didn,t even know he had them.We went into a closet door and step ladder to the roof.I was shocked to see so many beautiful pigeons I fell in love with them right away.He opened up the door to release them to fly and fly they did all together making circles around and around before I knew it other guy,s where letting there birds fly to ,the sky was loaded with pigeons.He asked me if I wanted to see baby,s sure I said he brought out 2 baby,s just starting to get there feathers he put them in my hand and that did it I was hooked I had to have my own coop.
I knew that it would be hard to convince my parents but I had to try.It took awhile but I convinced them but I couldn't,t put them on the roof of the house only the garage roof which was half the height but at least I could have them.This was the time of the year my father would get crates of grapes to make his wine and they would be perfect to stack on top of each other and just put a roof and door on plus the screen area.My father told me to wait he would help me do it right but I was in a hurry to do it.
I had a paper route at this time and I used the money to buy the bird,s.Once I had enough of them I couldn,t wait to let them out to fly.When I let them out they flew to the a pointed roof one of the house,s and stayed there I was so disappointed.I told my uncle what happened he told me some trick,s to use and in time they was finally flying the way they should.It was great to see them fly and eased my mine of the problem,s I,m having in school and my body.From school I would go up the roof and let them out to fly,I would have a smoke and one day I decided to masturbate for the first it took awhile to get an erection soon after that I got a shooting pain in my head and then in my lower stomach it lasted about a minute and then a little fluid came out I didn,t tell any body about this.
I have no friend,s but it didn,t bother me even though I knew it was wrong..I don,t know what started this but every time I seen guy,s talking or laughing I thought it was about me I couldn't help my self and that was awful.

MY SECOND LOVE BY BY PIGEONS

But one day in school changed every thing.It was during a change in classes that a girl handed me a note and she said it,s from a girl who likes you.I couldn't imagine who it,s from,as I read the note it said my name is Fran and I live across the street from your uncle and would like to meet you after school at the steps.At first I wasn,t going to meet her but after thinking it over I changed my mine which I did at that led to my first talk,touch and date for the first time,I was about 16 or 17.Every week end that we would see my grand mother and uncle I would go and see her .We would go to the basement where there was a pool table we would start to play a game but from that it led to my first kiss which she gave me..My body started to change but not in the way you would think, it was love every time I would see her my stomach did loops.I couldn't eat and my heart started to pound harder it had to be love.

LETS PLAY,POOL?

I believe my first encounter with sex was at her house basement on the pool table where we played she was a lot better then me.She would make all the first moves as I knew nothing.That day I an erection with my tiny penis and no testes at all.My penis grew to about 3 to 4 inches if that,I only masturbated my self so I didn,t know if the same thing was going to happen but with did a short time I got pain in my lower stomach and then it went to my head again,it didn,t last long but it was pain full enough that I jumped off of her.She asked what happened and I couldn't,t tell her what,she asked the all important question did it ever happen before I had to lie,I told her this was my first time doing it and I think she was shocked.Apparently it didn,t matter to her we continued seeing each other as often as we could and continued making love with the only change is some times it lasted longer the pain.
.With this happening now that's what started me crying at night and asking god why me why me god.I never let any one in my family know whats going on. Now with true love I gave up the pigeon,s

My father passed away in 1954 from a heart attack at 45 years old,the doctor told him to stop smoking and drinking and he would live longer ,but he didn,t listen.I failed my last year in school and convinced my mother I rather get a job,she said OK.

I found a job in NYC as a messenger and delivery in a printing house where they also was training me to operate a printing press.With that I was able to get a car now I had a car to see her more often and alone.We use to go a lot to the drive in movie place and much easier for sex,nothing changed I was still getting the pain and she never complained about it.

YOUR IN THE ARMY NOW

It was Sep.1956 when her brother said he was going to push his draft and go into the army.I talked to my mom and Fran about this and I joined with him,I was 20.At the induction center we got separated they told me I have to have more tests done,I asked for what sugar diabetes they said I might have.I told them no way the reason why is I ate 2 slices of a cake that had a lot of sugar on it,it didn,t matter I was in the hospital 2 days and found every think OK. I just made the weight of 115 lbs I was 117. built like a telephone pole.From there I went to Fort Dix N.J. for 8 weeks of basic training which I found to be very hard.I was swimming in the smallest size uniform.The training was running,push up,s,climbing and so forte,they could have been a lot harder on me because I couldn,t do most of it,but I think it was because I pushed up my draft and I tried my best I could.


One day during line up a Sargent came over to me and took a long look asked how old I was I answered 20 he ran the back of his hand over my cheek and asked if I shave I told him no,he said well start shaving that fuzz off every day,I could here in the back of me some snickering.

AGAIN WITH THE POINTING,JOKE,S AND LAUGHING

The harassment started with the first group showering where no way could I hide my tiny 2 in.penis and no scrotum which brought up laughing,pointing joke,s and so forte,many time,s I had to stop my self from crying out loud at night.There was also the same thing that happen in High School every time I seen some body talking or laughing I always thought it was about me even if it wasn,t.The 8 weeks lasted a lot longer as expected but it was finally over.I kept in touch with my friend and told me he will be going to Texas,I will spend 16 day,s going to Korea for 16 months.I found out the saying is your are sure to go to heaven because you spent your time in HELL luckily there was no war.
Before I left I came home for a short time.Me and Fran made every minute count.There was no change in us making love and she didn,t complain and least she didn,t show or tell me about it.Before we knew it was time for me to leave she told me she will write often and she loves me and will wait for me,I said the same.

CLIMB UP THIS POLE YEA RIGHT

It was time to leave for Korea.We where packed so tight the bunks where 3 high and I had the top bunk it was hot ,we spent most times on top.The day,s went very slow reason nothing to do. We finally got there in the 16 day,s just like they said.I found out I will be trained as a telephone operator and to learn code to type,this was a lot better then most other guy,s who just kept training for possible war again, so I was very lucky.
One of the thing,s you had to learn was to climb up a pole using spike,s that strap onto your leg,s.Watching the first guy do it half way up he missed spiking in to the pole and hanged there for awhile with one leg in but it was OK.I was the second one to try and I told the Sargent I can,t do it , he told me you have to learn.I finally convinced him with my tiny body I don,t have the strength to do it,he finally agreed,boy did I thank him.The Sargent for us was a great guy,our duty time was spent in a underground cement bunker 2 guys at a time,I can,t remember for how long I think it was 12 hour,s on and 12 off.My main concern now was to find a way to shower fast alone which I did.Instead of showering in the morning I would do it at night.

SEX WITH A KOREAN GIRL?

I can,t remember how often we where given time to go to the city for a short time,the first time I didn,t go,the reason when the first guy,s came back from there all they talked about was girls they spent time with how was it the cost I think it was 2.00,I told my self no way am I going,but when it came my turn to go on leave I was pretty much forced to go,they kept bugging me that I was a virgin,so I convinced my self I had to go .I went with a nice guy and on the way there all he talked about was he couldn,t wait until he was with a girl,I went along with him with the talking.It didn,t take long to find the girl,s they where every where,cost 2.00 I was with a young girl that spoke very little broken English.It took a long time for me to get an erection,reason she was laughing so hard when she seen my small penis and no sack and I couldn't,t get the condom on,after a few minutes of trying I ran out with her still going on.
My friend was still in there so I had to wait for him,when he came out the 2 girls came out also,laughing and pointing at me,my friend asked what happen,I told him nothing every thing went fine,at that time I told my self never never again will I go through that again never. I wrote Fran about this what happen why I went and will never do it again and that I was sorry also there is a good chance that we will not be able to have children.
It was a long time before she wrote back,it never took that long,but she finally wrote and I was afraid to open it thinking it would be a dear john letter,,I started thinking about the last letter I wrote her,I started yelling at my self why did I tell her I didn,t have to tell her about the girl.I finally opened it.It was a short letter a lot less then she usual write,s and sure enough she told me she started seeing a guy.She said it didn,t have any thing to do with me being with the Korean girl that she was just lonely and she hoped I understood.But I didn,t I was heart broken,if I was a drinking man I would have gotten drunk.I tried hatting her and call her name,s but I couldn,t I still loved her.
I wrote back right away to tell her that I love her that it wouldn,t be long and I will be home soon and please don,t do this.She never wrote back,this all happened a couple of month,s before coming home.
The 16 month,s and 15 day,s on the boat and cab drive home as he pull,s in front of the house there,s a flag out and a welcome home sign.When I go in my mom and brother are the only one,s there,mom tell,s me that the rest of the family will be coming soon.I ask her if she heard from Fran and she just moved her shoulders,s as if to say I don,t know.The rest of my family start,s to come,but not FRAN,I call her up but no answer,I,m really worried now.I can,t get to enjoy the party about an hour latter the door bell ring,s and I was so happy to see her she came to me,but I,m not sure if it,s permanently or not till I talk to her.We walked to each other I first held her so tight I didn,t speak we kissed and with that kiss I knew she was still mine.Tear,s started to flow down my face.We went upstairs,s to be alone and talk.She started to explain what happen and that she was sorry I cut her off I asked one question are you still with this guy she said no let me explain I said there is no need to ,not now as long as it,s over,she said it,s over and started to cry also.I held her so tight I didn,t want to let her go.

WHERE FINALLY MARRIED

After looking for a job I filled out a form for the Post Office as a substitute letter carrier which I got right away.I think I became a regular in 1960 we where engaged in 1960 it took all this time from the first time we meet in 1954.The engagement ring was beautiful a large diamond with two Briquet's on each side,we where married in 1961.After looking for apartment,s and couldn't,t find any thing reasonable we bought a small 2 family house with the money we saved and my mother lending us money.
OH the wedding was in true Italian fashion large.The wedding party was her girl friends and her 2 brother,s and my younger brother as the groomers as I had no friends.
My mother worked in Robert Hall clothes as a floor lady like a foremen,most of the people at the wedding I didn,t know they where people she worked with. The women she worked with treated her like the God father story,she would be the one to say who work,s and where.The money bag that Fran held got fuller and fuller with money,I can,t remember how much other then it was a lot.So that money and saved money we bought a house with income coming in,I felt we where very lucky all do to my mom her parent,s didn,t help at all.

OUR OWN 2 FAMILY HOUSE

After we spent our honey moon in the Pocono,s N.J. we settled into our home hoping we would spend many happy years together,but not so.I had to be at work at 6:00 am by taking a bus and subway which would take about an hour.Our making love never changed if any thing it got worse,it was just to painful for me to have sex.We where both so new at this meaning we didn,t know that there was other ways for me to satisfy her.If I only knew what I know I,m sure thing,s would have been different,if I would have asked some one for other way,s to satisfy her,IF IF IF,it make,s me so mad even to this day.Some thing,s I see on TV would remind me about her and I try to picture her in my mind but I can,t.
After seeing Doctors earlier about this I started going again hoping that over the years they would be able to help me.One Dr. led to another and then another with no help.I stopped seeing them convinced there was no help and it made me feel worst constantly hearing I can,t help you or go see this DR.
It was getting harder and harder to get a good night sleep constantly thinking about it and trying not to cry.Even after so many years have past and I,m 73 and taking pills for depression and anxiety I still cry when I see a baby being born,child saying I love you daddy or a couple making love,it,s not has bad as it use to be and it don,t last long like it use to but it still there,I guess until I die.

MAKE LOVE.I HAVE TO CATCH THE BUS

One morning when I was ready to go to work she wanted to have sex desperately I told her it,s to late I,ve got to catch the bus which was just across the street,she worked also but left latter then me,she insisted she wanted to have sex I told her the first thing when you come home,she started to cry yelling no now.I rushed out of the house to catch my bus,it was on Lefferts Blvd. which is a very wide street,I seen the bus coming so I started to run,with that I hear the screen door open with her yelling my name I ignored her and continued to run she followed me calling my name saying please,when I turn around I see her in her night gown I couldn't,t believe what I was seeing and neither could the people on the bus.The bus driver gave me a big smile and I see the people on the bus laughing and smiling about what happen,I was so embarrassed

IT,S OVER SHE,S GONE

This I guess was the last straw with her even though we talked and found out about adopting.We where told it would take about 5 year,s it was to long for her to wait,even before this happened she went back to her parent,s for awhile,I should have realized then that eventually it will all end,it did just about a year the marriage was annulled.I could not believe it after knowing each other for 7 year,s waiting so long to get married and in a year it,s over.I tried to convince her to stay but it didn,t help.OH all the year,s together we never had a fight or an argument never,that hurt,s to this day,I,m trying to hold back the tear,s as I type NO B S. I agreed to this except for one thing she would leave only taking her clothe,s nothing else,she agreed,I did this hoping she would change her mind,I didn,t want her to leave I loved her so.

WENT BACK TO LIVE WITH MOM

It, all over she,s gone I went into a deep depression and most time,s cried my self to sleep.I had to get out of the house I couldn,t stay there.I sold the house to my older brother at the price I paid for it and went to live with my younger brother and mom.
I continued working for the P O it was getting harder to work with my flimzy body weighing about 125 lbs. carrying and walking with 40 to 50 lbs.on my back.
Eventualy I met a friend from the P O and he introduced me to gambling at the race track bad news lost most time,s,but it kept me from thinging about my problem,s .I never thought of Fran,sex and never masterbated again,I rarely got an erection on my own.I was glad to have a friend he never spoke about women and I was happy for that.

HEY I GOT A BEST BET

Eventualy we moved into a beautiful house in Howard Beach with a deep canal in the back and I put in a large above ground pool and built a deck half way around it.With that move I gave up the track and bought a 27 foot Grady White boat with a fly bridge new and I named it BEST BET I think the name was very appropriate don,t you think? this was better then all the money I lost in gambling.My friend told me I will still want to go to the track,I told him no way,and I never went again even with his constant asking.Eventualy he gave up asking.
With the boat made me even more to for get every thing bad in my life,I also made new friend,s from the P O to go fishing with I was very happy more then I,ve been for year,s.
I continue working for the P O and it,s getting harder and harder to walk the route even though I have my own with 2 other guy,s some time,s I talk my self into working inside.I think about changing to mail clerk which would keep me inside all day,but I check to see how many more year,s I need to work to retier,I find out you need a combination of 90 year,s, meaning I,ve worked 10 years I need to work 20 more years to retire at age 60,I could not see my self working 20 more year,s at a job I hate,if I was still married I would not even though about what I,m planing on doing.

There,s a lot more to my story,I hope to get back soon to finish it,Tony